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Here’s Why You and Your Partner Are Fighting About Money

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

Couple fighting about money

When we enter into a meaningful relationship, one of the many things that gets exposed are our money habits. For some, this may be difficult as you struggle with managing your money. Although, this has always been your secret and your struggle. Yet now, it becomes your partner’s struggle as well and, therefore, needs to be brought out into the open.

Everybody knows that the topic of finances is a touchy subject in most relationships. But why? According to a 2017 poll taken by Money Mag, 70% of married couples argue about money more than any other subject.

But, couple therapists and clinical psychologists Janine and Robert Boulle say their clients don’t come in because of money issues per se, but rather because of communication struggles.

‘Often, couples will come to us because they notice something in their relationship is amiss. They come to us for clarity. We help them communicate better to find this clarity. And, often, money is an underlying complication without the couple even knowing it is,’ says Janine.

‘Couples tend to avoid difficult topics such as finance, leading them to therapy because the unspoken issues create a divide between them, undermining their relationship,’ confirms Robert.

According to Robert and Janine, one of the main reasons couples fight about money is due to the different ways in which men and women view. And, secondly, the gender pay gap that has existed throughout history.

The fact is that few people see money simply as money. A healthy bank account can mean security, power, independence (and, conversely, dependence), control, confidence, happiness, love, balance and freedom. The complexity comes in when two people, who have different financial outlooks and who value money differently, come together in a serious relationship. Without hashing out those differences and chatting about values, money becomes another partner in a relationship, and often one that is ignored.

But talking about money when first entering into a relationship is not always easy. Yet, it is something that needs to be done due to the likely differing financial views each partner possesses. Women associate money with security, love and happiness, whereas men traditionally associate it with power, control and success – something they always had in the past that women did not.

‘I have noticed that when the woman in a relationship earns more than the man, it brings in the male ego, making the topic even more sensitive,’ says Robert.

Janine makes a good point, adding to Robert’s comment: ‘Women are ambivalent. Yes, she wants to earn the same as or more than her partner and be financially independent with a high-powered job. But then, in the back of her mind, she wouldn’t mind if her partner made more either because she wants to be looked after by him and be the chief at home,’ says Janine.

Some Financial Advice

Here are six points to keep in mind when trying to navigate finances in a relationship.

1. Separate Accounts Versus One Joint Account

This is probably one of the first and biggest things couples need to decide on when it comes to finances. SmartMoney magazine’s survey found that the majority of couples (64%) put all of their money in joint accounts, while 14% kept everything in separate accounts, and 18% had both.

This does, however, come down to you as a couple and what works for you! Perhaps try both and see what fits better. Bare in mind that having your own money to spend as you like could lessen arguments about money. Also, choosing not to have a joint account doesn’t discredit the unity of your marriage / partnership in any way!

2. Maintain a Budget

“Studies show that men and women spend the same, they just spend differently,” she says. Women usually take care of most of the family’s daily expenses: the groceries, the bills, clothes for the family — while men spend on large purchases like plasma TVs, cars or computers. “If you counted up your money, you would be spending about the same,” Ruth Hayden, author of “For Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples”, says. “But because you spend so differently, the perception is different.”

Keeping track of your money doesn’t mean looking over each other’s shoulders every time one of you spends, but rather knowing where your money is going so that you are able to set realistic financial goals.

3. Communicate About Financial Priorities

In the same way that men and women have been found to view finances differently, you may both have separate financial goals. For example, one of you could value spending money on holidays and / or buying a house, while the other wishes to invest the money or keep it aside for emergencies. As such, it is critical to communicate these perspectives and come into agreement on what you, as a couple, are going to prioritise when it comes to your finances. Seeking help from a financial planner could help with this!

4. Talk About Money Often

Studies show that 36% of men and 40% of women confess that they had at one time or another lied to their spouse about the price of something they bought.

While talking about money may not be your favourite couple activity, it remains important to avoid big blow outs later on. Again, seek the help of a financial counselor of planner if need be.

5. It’s Always a Good Idea to Save

Even though you may feel as though you are unable to stretch your budget to save, you need to make it a priority. Decide to save at least 10% of your income. This can be for emergencies, investments, or retirement. Anything could happen, and it’s best to be prepared for it!

6. How to Handle Debt

Never view your partner’s debt as ‘their’ problem. If you’re in a committed relationship, it’s both of your problem and, as such, needs to be handled together. Legally, if you’re married, your spouse’s debt can affect your credit score. So, it’s imperative to come up with a plan, together, on how to eradicate the debt as quickly as possible.

How Technology Is Impacting Your Sex Life

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

Here’s a question for you: Do your virtual connections take precedence over your real-life ones? It’s easy to just say no. But really take the time to think about it. I mean, how much time do you spend on technology versus how much time you spend with your loved one. To be fair, most of our jobs centre around technology, but besides that. I think if you really had to work out the numbers, you would be shocked.

Technology is intrusive – there’s no denying it. And, the way it permeates our relationships and sex lives can be damaging on more than one level.

Technology’s Impact on Sex

“Love, come now, put down your phone”. How often have you been at the receiving end of that sentence? Or, perhaps, you’re the one constantly having to it say it. Either way, by the time ‘love’ has finally put their phone down, the opportunity for sex is most likely off the table.

A 2016 Durex survey of 2000 adults revealed that 41% of people are less likely to instigate sex if their partner is on their phone in bed, with majority even admitting that they actually used their phones during sex.

According to author of Digital Inferno and senior researcher at University of Brighton, Paul Levy, hundreds of couples’ partnerships have been threatened by their addiction to technology.

“For some the cause is what I call ‘wretched contentment’: spending evenings watching TV, all the while constantly checking phones without talking. It’s pleasant, but it’s not fulfilling. As the quality of our physical connections gets diluted over time, we adjust, expecting less. We forget what real romance is. The more we get out of practice at being with other human beings, the scarier physical closeness becomes, chipping away at our happiness. We all need deep communication and we’re not getting it.”

Not Only Cellphones…

It’s not only cellphones, however, that become a distraction between couples, laptops – and other devices – do too. Many of us are receiving work emails 24/7 and, instead of spending quality time with our loved ones, we resort to responding to emails on a week night at 10pm. (work emails 24/7). When I ask a question, a nod here and an ‘uh huh’ there.

“Cellphones and laptops are about the worst things invented when it comes to boudoir dynamics. Feng Shui has long held that couples need to keep the electrical energy in their bedroom in check, as this makes for better sleep and overall ambiance, on at least a subconscious level.” – Dr Yvonne K Fulnright. “Tech gives partners more get into and distracted by, which prevents them connecting, talking, and touching. It has them turned on to others with social media or work dominating their attention. They’re depriving themselves of downtime, opportunities to communicate and process the day, and to et sensual or carnal, if they want to. ”

If it’s not your cellphone or laptop (for work), than it’s Netflix marathons which take up valuable time that could otherwise be spent being intimate with your partner.

Technology’s Impact on Relationships

Also, the impact of technology does on relationships does not just extend to the physical act, but can lead to resentment / jealousy as well.

“Researchers at the University of Missouri interviewed hundreds of FB users aged between 18 and 82, who believed their partner’s FB use increased conflict in their relationship. As the use of the site increased, the study found, so did their jealousy, leading to break-ups, cheating, and divorce. The more we resort to digital intimacy, the less fluent our actual intimacy becomes.” – Paul

A poll by Pew Research Center found that 45% of Millennial respondents said that social media has had a major impact on their relationships.

Forbes.com notes, “According to this survey, 25% of respondents claim that their spouse was too distracted with their phone when they were together. An additional 18% of respondents between 18 and 29 said they have had serious arguments over their partner’s obsession with spending time online. Some 34% of women and 62% of men admit to snooping on their partner’s private messages. Ironically, nearly a third would consider such snooping ground for ending a relationship.”

ABC News reports that 80% of divorce attorneys say discussion of social networking is increasingly common in divorce proceedings for a range of reasons, with some couples putting together social media prenups before getting married.

Do’s and Don’ts When it Comes to Technology and Relationships

DO:

  • Make a commitment to put down your phone (and any other tech) for at least an hour when you get home from work. Engage with your partner face-to-face about their day; the emails and social media can wait.
  • Introduce tech-free mealtimes. Enforce a rule that there is no tech allowed while eating together, whether at home or out somewhere. If you absolutely have to be on call in case the babysitter needs you, turn your volume to loud and leave your phone in your handbag.
  • Make the bedroom tech-free too – at least just before bedtime. Sure, you may want to catch up on Netlfix from the comfort of your bed, but pack away all the tech at least 30 minutes before you go to sleep. Buy an alarm clock so that you don’t need to rely on your phone, and nip mindless scrolling in the bud.
  • Text or email your partner to check in with them during the day; let them know that you’re thinking of them.

DON’T

  • Text one another from different rooms when you’re at home together; get up and interact.
  • Take work on holiday with you; if you absolutely need to check in, assign an hour or two a day to work and let your partner know this upfront.
  • Let your phone distract you while you’re with your partner or family.
  • Check your partner’s phone, emails, or social media accounts. If you’re suspicious of something, let them know and hash it out face-to-face.
  • Discuss important topics about your relationship or start an argument via text or email – feelings cannot be conveyed via text and are often misconstrued using this medium.

10 Challenges Every Couple Goes Through and How to Overcome Them

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

Navigating the waters of a long-term relationship is undoubtedly tricky. You are likely to experience many up and downs, both of which will only serve to make your relationship stronger. There are, however, challenges which most couples are likely to experience at some point in their relationship. We have listed these below and given some tips on how to deal with each one.

1. Co-Dependency

Realize, as early as possible, that your partner can’t be your everything. As much as they are there to support you, you will still need to, at times, rely on your strength or the strength of others. Angela Skurtu, a therapist based in St. Louis, makes use of the following example:

“For instance, if you’re an extrovert married to an introvert, chances are you may need to have a few extra friends to hang out with other than your spouse. That doesn’t mean you can’t go out with each other as well. It just means that you have to find another way to meet your need for extroversion.”

2. Technology

A somewhat new challenge couples are having to deal with is that of technology. While a cellphone may have formed the foundation of your communication in the beginning, it can become a major distraction later on in the relationship. To avoid this, set aside time for ‘device-free conversation’. It may seem silly at first, but could do wonders to maintaining a healthy relationship!

“Remind yourself that if it’s important enough for them to share it with you, it deserves your undivided attention.” – Andrea Wachter, psychotherapist based in Northern California. 

3. Intimacy

If you have yet to experience it, you have most likely heard about it. The dreaded sex droughts experienced in long-term relationships. And no, unfortunately, it’s not a myth. Whether it be due to changes in sexual desire, disconnected schedules, or simply the reality of the busyness of life getting in the way, lack of intimacy in relationships is a real, common occurrence.

That being said, it doesn’t mean that you simply need to endure it. Rather, make a decision to prioritise simply touching each other, even if it doesn’t lead to sex. According to Wachter, “the more you treat each other like friends who take the time to to know one another in all ways, the more likely you are to rekindle the spark of love and intimacy.”

It’s important to remember that sex is place where a large amount of the relationship’s joy is found. Also, when all else fails, sex is often the glue that keeps you feeling like a committed couple. Therefore, don’t lose site of prioritising intimacy with your partner, no matter how busy you get!

4. Expectations

Another common challenge experienced in long-term relationships is that of unmet expectations. Within a budding romance, it is easy to day-dream what life with your significant other would be like. The truth is, however, that some of these pre-conceived expectations will never be met. The good news is that some will be exceeded! Yet, it is important to transform your expectations into wants, not needs, as early as possible. That way, the disappointment felt will be less of a catastrophe. Finally, be sure to show appreciation when your expectations are met. Gratitude expressed to a loved one goes a long way!

5. Habits

Ever heard the expressions ‘old habits die hard’? Once again, truth. If you think that once you get married, your partner will stop leaving their socks on the floor, you are sadly mistaken. But, it’s important to remember that loving your spouse means accepting their bad habits. While you can remind them to pick their socks up in the hope that change will come, learn to simply deal with it if it doesn’t.

6. Finances

You were wondering when this was going to pop up on the list, weren’t you? Sure enough, finances are a major challenge for most couples. It is imperative that you and your partner get onto the same page regarding your financial goals and values concerning how you spend and save your money. And, it is crucial that you do this early on.

According to Amanda Deverich, a marriage and family therapist based in Williamsburg, Virginia, “financial stress is a leading cause of depression in men. and depression often causes partners to withdraw and makes it more difficult for couples to solve problems”. Deverich advises coming together as a team to solve financial problems. If one partner becomes responsible for the finances, this will throw off the balance and can lead to resentment and distance.

7. Conflict

Conflict in any relationship is normal, healthy even! Yet, there will most likely come a time when you and your partner enter into a conflict so big that it causes you to question your relationship. You may even wonder if your values align enough for you to continue to move forward. Again, this is common and normal.

The key is to talk it out and not try and sweep it under the carpet. Also, don’t just rely on yourself. Once again, try to work as a team and be completely open about your fears regarding what this disagreement may do to your relationship. In coming to an agreement on whatever the issue was, you will have learnt important conflict resolution skills that will no doubt form the foundation of all future, smaller problems.

8. Time

The issue of time (or rather the lack thereof) seems to be a challenge in all areas of life, not only relationships. Yet, of course, it extends into relationships too and results in couples often feeling distant from one another. Whether it be due to parenting, workloads, shifts, travel, personal or family issues, or illness, time can often get the better of us.

When this happens, it is important to regroup and prioritise each other once more. Learn to balance each other’s needs amidst the busyness. As difficult as this may seem at first, it is essential to avoiding the build of resentment and anger in a partner who feels alone.

9. Family

Whether it be children from a previous relationship, or too-involved or dysfunctional in-laws, family can be a challenge in a marriage. The truth is, when you commit to your partner, you commit to their loved ones too. This doesn’t mean, however, that anything goes and you need to accept their behaviour no matter what. The key is maintaining your primary allegiance to your partner and mutually agreeing that both sides of the family come second to that. That way, you are once more handling any family issues that may come up as a team, instead of allowing them to rip you apart.

10. Communication

Last but not least, the challenge of communicating. When you’ve been with someone for a long time, the difference between communicating and simply talking can become a blur. For example, complaining, critiquing, or making use of emotional blackmail does not result in communication. Instead, learn to assertively express your feelings instead of your frustrations. And, finally, remember to access the views and needs of your partners as well as your own.

If you and your partner are experiencing one or more of these challenges and are struggling to overcome them on your own, don’t hesitate to book an appointment with Mary. There is no shame to asking for external help. It may be just what you need to get your marriage back on track!

The 17 Biggest Relationship Dealbreakers

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

We’ve all heard of the term ‘dealbreaker’. Yet, when it comes to relationships, we are more likely to put together a list of ‘dealmakers’. While this definitely a start, it’s also important to identify the things that you are not willing to compromise on.

A number of years ago, Peter Jonason and colleagues performed a number of studies around identifying what people consider to be ‘relationship dealbreakers’. These involved college students as well as single adults. The following were found to be dealbreakers for college students.

Dealbreakers for College Students in a Long-Term Relationship

Understandably so, one of the biggest dealbreakers for students in a long-term relationship was if they discovered that their partner had an anger issue or was abusive. They also deemed the fact that if their partner was already in a relationship, married, or dating multiple partners, as a definite dealbreaker. If they discovered that their significant other had a health problem, such as an STD, or struggled with an alcohol or drug problem, they would more than likely call it off. In terms of personality traits, characteristics including being untrustworthy, or inattentive or uncaring, were also found to be relationship dealbreakers. Finally, if the boyfriend or girlfriend exhibited poor hygiene, or smelt bad, most college students would find that cause for a break up.

Dealbreakers for College Students in a Short-Term Relationship

While most of the dealbreakers mentioned in short-term relationships correlated with those identified in long-term relationships, there were a few additional ones mentioned. These included being bad in bed as well as being deemed unattractive. College students would also find reason to end a short-term relationship if they found their partner to not take adequate care of themselves. Or, if they discovered them to be racist or bigoted.

17 Dealbreakers in Committed Relationships

Peter Jonason and his colleagues then went on to study the responses of single, adult Americans when it comes to dealbreakers in relationships. This study produced the following 17 results:

Another way to look at these would be to group them into the following three areas:

Physical Traits

As can be seen from the table provided above, undesirable physical traits, when it comes to relationships, are a disheveled or unclean appearance, or the lack of self-confidence. People were also found to be less willing to partake in a long-distance relationship. And, for some, if they found out that their potential partner already had kids, they would no longer be interested. The opinion on an athletic look varied, with some people favouring it while others considered it a dealbreaker.

Behavioural Traits

When it comes to desirable behavioural traits in a relationship, being lazy is definitely not one of them. Also, being deemed ‘bad at sex’ or experiencing a low sex drive may result in your single status being reborn once more. People were also put off by their potential partners spending too much time in front of the TV or playing video games. Sorry gamers! And, finally, there was once again discrepancy between partners talking too much or being too quiet. That one seems to come down to the individual.

Personality Traits

Personality traits that were found to be relationship dealbreakers included being seen as ‘too needy’ as well as lacking a sense humour. People were also willing to end the relationship if their significant other was found to be stubborn or blunt. Finally, the conversation about whether or not kids would be apart of the future was also found to be a dealbreaker.

Other Findings

Apart from the dealbreakers mentioned above, the following was also revealed in the study:

  • Most people find relationship dealbreakers to be more important than dealmakers
  • Women were found to be more discriminatory when deciding on a mating partner than men
  • What we say we find desirable in partners does not always correspond with our actual choice in partners

So, there you have it. Are your dealbreakers included in the list above? Or, do you have others? If you’re wondering whether or not the thing you’re unhappy with is a relationship dealbreaker, why not book an appointment with Mary just to be sure! It might end up being something you and your partner are able to work on.

A Guide To Maintaining Your Relationship Over Christmas

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

’Tis the season to be jolly! Yet, studies show that most breakups occur in the two weeks leading up to Christmas. Furthermore, Match.com’s peak season starts straight after December 25. As joyous as the festive period can be, it can also be stressful and cause huge strain on relationships. Which is why we have put together a list of 10 things to watch out for this Christmas and throughout the coming year. After all, there’s a lot we can learn from this iconic holiday.

1. Time

As with many events in life, timing around Christmas is essential. The last thing you want to do is leave your Christmas shopping to the last minute (along with everybody else). You also want to make sure that you soak up every minute of the festive season and spend time with those that matter most. Be sure to discuss beforehand, with your partner, how you are going to spend your time over Christmas and with who. Finally, take the opportunity over the holiday season to let go of any resentments that have built up over the year, and enter the new year with a new perspective.

2. Happiness

For most of us, Christmas is a joyous time. No matter who you are, you can’t help but be affected by the lights, decor, and general merriment of this time of year. You could say that the happiness is contagious. Well, the same is true for your relationship. If you’re feeling down or negative, your relationship is bound to be affected. Instead, try to remain cheerful and watch your relationship be transformed.

3. Gratitude

Another emotion that has a major effect on relationships is that of gratitude or, rather, the lack thereof. It can be tough to remain grateful (and show it) after you have been together with someone for a lengthy period of time, but it is of paramount importance to try. Christmas is usually a time where we reflect and come out grateful for the year gone by and all that we are blessed with. Try to view your relationship in the same light and give thanks for your partner each and every day.

4. Money

Whether or not it’s a good thing, Christmas has become a major commercial celebration. Which means, if not monitored, it can end up costing a fortune. Again, be sure to sit down with your significant other in advance to work out a Christmas budget. Then, make sure you stick to it! Remember, although gifts are a big part of Christmas, they don’t have to be hugely overpriced. Try to find creative ways to give gifts and make sure the entire family pitches in with the catering too!

5. Faith

Amongst other things, Christmas is also a time of faith. It’s about believing in past events and trusting that specific consequences will be the result of certain actions taken in the future. Christmas acts as a reminder that, despite how things are now, we need to trust that they will get better in the future. Try to employ this same attitude year-round in your relationship and learn to have faith in your partner too.

6. Giving

As we mentioned earlier, a fundamental theme throughout Christmas is that of giving. It’s a time when you let go of selfishness and choose to focus on others and whatever it takes to bring them joy. Yet, come the new year, we too easily resort to our selfish ways instead of maintaining a nature of giving. Over the festive period, be sure to lighten the load by helping your partner out wherever possible. And, once all the festivities have come to end, be sure to still give more than you take in your relationship.

7. Unrealistic Expectations

We’ve all had to act ‘over the moon’ upon opening a gift we actually hate over Christmas. Yet, every year, we build up the same, dangerous, unrealistic expectations. And, the same is true for our relationships. While we are unable to control circumstances or other people’s behaviour, we continue to harbour expectations that then leave us feeling disillusioned and our partners feeling like they continuously fall short. This year, try to better manage your expectations about the festive period and about your relationship in general too.

8. Mystery and Magic

No one can deny the element of mystery and magic that fills the air around Christmas time. Whether it be an unopened gift, the lights strung around a Christmas tree, or standing underneath the mistletoe, the magic is bound to wrap itself around you at some point. And, that’s part of the thrill of Christmas time. If maintained, it can also be part of the thrill of your relationship. No matter how long you’ve been together, work at maintaining an element of excitement. No matter how you’ve been hurt, don’t stop believing in miracles and happily ever afters.

9. Be Nice

Can anyone really ever be sure whether they have made it onto Santa’s naughty or nice list? We may never know. But, we do know that familiarity breeds contempt. So, over this festive period, and thereafter, make an extra effort to be nice to your partner. You’ll be surprised at how far it goes in improving your relationship.

10. Fresh Start

Christmas is often the time to declutter and organise your house, before the guests arrive, and in order to get rid of any junk accumulated throughout the past year. It’s a season of purging. Often times physically, but emotionally too. The end of the year is the perfect time to forgive and forget, and get rid of any past hurts, emotional baggage, and preconceived notions. Be sure to declutter your heart and thoughts and start the new year off afresh with your loved one by your side.

6 Ways To Know If You Are In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

When one considers of an abusive relationship, they often resort to thinking of physical abuse. Yet, emotional and verbal abuse are just as prominent and may stand to serve even more damage. Here are six signs to know whether your partner is emotionally abusing you.

1. Your Partner Continually Discourages / Criticizes You

One of the first signs of emotional or verbal abuse is when your partner embarrasses you by criticizing or teasing you in front of others. Over and above this, they constantly discredit or ignore your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs. They are sarcastic when discouraging you or criticize you in a ‘teasing’ manner that is not actually funny. If you happen to say something about it, they claim that you are being over sensitive so as to divert the attention from their abusive behavior. They will offer disapproving or scornful looks or body language and will regularly take note of your imperfections, failures, and / or limitations. If your partner is emotionally abusive, they will be condescending towards you and will downplay your achievements and hopes and dreams for the future. Finally, they will call you names, provide you with mean classifications, and make hurtful comments about you under their breath.

2. They Are Controlling

Another red flag when it comes to a possible emotional abuser is if they are very controlling over you. So much so that their behavior towards you is similar to that of a parent to a child. As such, they rectify your behavior and reprimand you when you have ‘misbehaved’. Moreover, you begin to feel that you need to seek out their consent before deciding on something or going somewhere. This controlling behavior extends into finances as well, where your partner is in charge of how you spend money. Furthermore, they are unable to take on a humorous approach when it comes to themselves and do not condone others making fun of them. They are also non-permitting of people showing them anything other than respect. Although it may not seem obvious, at first, they offer subtle threats or cynical comments intended to scare or further control you. They are often jealous of your encounters with others and may go so far as to isolate you from spending time with your loved ones. And, finally, as mentioned in the first point, they will refuse to chat about their behavior if confronted.

3. Your Partner Is An Expert At Manipulation

A third sign that you are potentially in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person is if they frequently exhibit manipulative behavior. This includes constantly making you feel that they are right and you are wrong. Always crossing your boundaries and disregarding your pleas not to do so. They may also ignore you over long periods of time, making use of feelings of abandonment in order to ‘discipline’ you or scare you. Instead of seeing you as an autonomous human being, they will often view you as simply an add-on to themselves. And, lastly, they may even go so far as to refrain from having sex with you as yet another way to manipulate and control you – further tying in with the feelings of abandonment.

4. They Are Frequent Players Of The ‘Blame Game’

Emotional abusers will rarely admit that they are wrong. Instead, they will regularly blame you; accusations which you know are false. Yet, as mentioned previously, they will constantly come up with excuses for their behavior and will experience extreme difficulty saying sorry. They will accuse you as the reason for their problems, obstacles in life, and / or general dissatisfaction. When confronted, they will act as the victim and will attempt to divert all blame to you as opposed to taking responsibility for their own actions. Without fail, they will disprove or full on deny their behavior as being emotionally abusive in any way.

5. Your Partner Will Appear Indifferent As Opposed To Empathetic

While you may seek out your partner as an emotional sounding board for your own heartbreak, you will find them to be emotionally distant or withdrawn. As part of their manipulation, they will end up sulking in order to get your attention or control your actions. When they do happen to listen to your plight, they will appear indifferent and not show any compassion. Instead, they will seemingly ignore your obviously distraught emotional state. As the cherry on top, they will tell others about your personal situation or history.

6. Your Life, With Your Partner, Is Constant Chaos

Although every relationship has its chaotic periods, you and your partner seem to co-exist in a constant state of disarray. The truth of the matter is that emotionally abusive relationships flourish on constant drama. They rarely feel calm and impartial. Instead, they are filled with chaos, which, eventually, leads to complete exhaustion from the emotional roller coaster. While ‘normal’ couples will engage in a major fight every couple of years, the arguments between you and your partner seem to always escalate, no matter how small they start out to be.

If you’ve read through all of the above six signs of an emotional abuser and you feel that your partner might fit the profile, then don’t hesitate to contact Mary and book an appointment today! Remember, it’s not your fault and you don’t need to feel trapped. There is a way out and you deserve better! Alternatively, start prioritizing your own needs and setting some strict boundaries. Come to the realization that you can’t ‘fix’ your partner and, instead, refuse to engage, seek support, and create an exit strategy.

Are You And Your Soulmate In a Relationship Rut?

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

Do you find yourself in a long-term relationship that all of a sudden seems to be going nowhere? Are you wondering whether or not you should in fact spend the rest of your life with this person even though you love them so dearly? The truth of the matter is that even healthy relationships go through ruts sometimes. The key is to identify it and then take action to fix it. Below are 10 signs that may indicate you and your soulmate are in a relationship rut.

1. Communication Is Minimal

Lately, it seems that you and your partner have nothing new to talk about. Instead, you circulate around the same stories, discussing the same people and memories. What’s worse, your topics of conversation centre around your to-do list. For example, texting your spouse to pick up groceries on the way home, or running through the chores that need to get done in the upcoming weekend.

2. Future Planning Has Lost Its Spark

Remember in the beginning of your relationship when you two could spend hours dreaming about the future and putting together plans to make it happen? Well, not chatting about the future – even if it simply concerns plans for the weekend – feels like a chore. You struggle to get excited about it and the idea of planning seems like a massive task.

3. You’re Overwhelmed By The Day-To-Day

You know the saying, “life got in the way”? Well, that’s the story of your life at the moment. You and your partner are both so busy that you barely have time to even see each other, let alone spend some quality time together. You’re so caught up in just getting through the day, week, and / or month, that you’re completely missing the sharing life with the love of your life.

4. Sex Has Become Routine (Or Non-Existent)

Perhaps one of the most obvious signs that your relationship is in a rut is a decrease in sex or, more specifically, spontaneous sex. As mentioned above, life can get busy. So, you and your partner may be so stuck in the routine of ‘scheduled’ sex that you can’t remember the last time you spontaneously got it on. What’s worse, you’ve stopped having sex entirely and can’t even remember the last time you lusted after your spouse.

5. You Fight About Everything

When you do manage to communicate, it more often than not becomes a screaming match that lasts for days on end. It seems that you’re both constantly on edge and can’t manage to hold a conversation without it turning into a fight. Moreover, you seem to end up arguing whenever you go out, something your friends have started to notice as well.

6. Or, You’ve Stopped Fighting Entirely

An alternative sign to fighting all the time may be that you’ve stopped fighting altogether. While constant fighting in a relationship is, by no means, encouraged, a disagreement every now and then is healthy and can even spark passion. Yet, when you do feel the urge to fight with your partner, you resist it as it just seems like too much effort to rock the boat.

7. Every Day Of The Week Is The Same

If you look back over the last few months, you realize that you and your spouse have done almost exactly the same thing every weeknight or weekend. Weeknights may include lazing in front of the TV while weekends may be broken into time spent with friends, sports, and / or visiting the family. You can’t remember the last time you had a spontaneous date night or did something together that was ‘out of the norm’.

8. You’re Too Co-Dependent On One Another

If you’ve been in a relationship for many years, it can sometimes be difficult not to become co-dependent on your partner. Yet, this can often lead to a relational rut. You’re so used to spending all your time with your spouse and doing everything with them that you have lost sight of your individuality. You also don’t ever get a chance to ‘miss’ your partner because you’re with them all. the. time.

9. You Consider Your Relationship An Effort

Everything concerning your relationship just feels like an effort or another task you need to check off of your to-do list. You’d much rather remain in your sweats as opposed to dressing up for your spouse and saying ‘I love you’ has become something you do in autopilot.

10. Other People Seem More Interesting

Whether it be your friends who you’d rather hang out with, the person you’re texting during dinner, or that colleague who has suddenly become more attractive, anyone seems more interesting than your spouse. Given the option, you’d much rather go for drinks with a friend / colleague / acquaintance than spend time with your loved one.

If you can relate to a few, or all, of the above, you are most likely in a  relationship rut. The good news is that almost all relationships go through these periods. It doesn’t necessarily mean you need to break up, but simply that you need to talk to your partner about how you are feeling and look at ways to bring back the spark and spontaneity you once had. Better yet, book an appointment with Mary to get your relationship back on track in no time! 

Stay Married For Life With These 10 Tips

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

Marriage life is not always easy. When work, kids, finances, and life in general get in the way, marriage problems are quick to crop up. Here are ten tips to try to improve your marriage and, therefore, stay married for life!

1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

You’re probably sick of hearing this, but there’s a reason the number one tip in almost any marriage advice content is to communicate. It’s because couples don’t and that’s where problems fester. So, here are some tips to improve your communication with your spouse:

  • When approaching your partner about a specific issue, avoid accusing them directly, but rather address what’s bothering you. For example: say “I’m feeling a little unloved” as opposed to “You never say you love me anymore”.
  • Be sure to always use discretion when it comes to bringing up ‘issues’. Is it really worth an argument?
  • identify ‘hot words’. For example, give each other permission to yell ‘break!’ in the middle of an argument in order to give each other time to cool down. Always aim to either repair or exit an argument. Also be willing to apologize for the part you played in the upset.
  • Learn to express your needs / wants in a way that your spouse clearly understands. Don’t leave from for confusion and there will be no room for disappointment.
  • Don’t keep score. This is the worst thing you can do. Leave past aggrievances and argument just there, in the past.

2. Remember To Connect

While learning to communicate effectively is still number one, be aware of losing your connection at the hands of communication. Don’t get so caught up in to-do lists, finances, and managing the household and children that you forget to say something nice to your spouse. As a rule of thumb, for every ‘required’ piece of communication, be sure to include a ‘nice’ piece. For example, if you need to ask your spouse to pick up some milk on their way home, follow that message with ‘I can’t wait to see you’.

Also try to compare calendars as much as possible. That way you can remain connected even when you are apart. For example, if you know your spouse has an important meeting at 2pm, message them at 1:45pm wishing them good luck.

3. Be Thankful

Research has shown that gratitude benefits both the giver and receiver. While that may sound obvious, we don’t always put enough effort into showing gratitude. That means taking note when your spouse has done something nice and saying thank you. That way, not only will you benefit from what’s been done, but they will feel better knowing that you’ve noticed.

Also, try to focus on the positives of your marriage instead of just the negatives. As humans, we are so often more reluctant to complain than give thanks. But, don’t fall into this trap. Consider, daily, what you have to be thankful for when it comes to your husband / wife.

4. Show Love

Showing love seems to come so naturally in the beginning of relationships. Yet, once you’ve been together for years on end, life just seems to get in the way. Well, don’t let it. Take the time to write your spouse a love note. Whether it’s a sticky note stuck on the fridge, or a full on love letter, they’ll be blown away. Be sure to do activities together. Whether this be cooking a meal together, going for a hike / walk, or taking a class together, it’s important to engage in different activities with your partner. This will help you to see them in a different light and learn new things about each other.

Go beyond simply saying ‘I love you’. Try to be more specific by including what you love about them. Be sure to compliment your spouse regularly, but make sure it’s genuine. If you haven’t done so already, consider creating a souvenir representing a special moment you shared together. Whether it be a photo frame on your desk, or a picture of you together on a coffee mug, it will take you back to that happy time every time you look at it.

5. Never Stop Dating Your Spouse

Like with showing love, dates seem to die down the longer you’ve been with your spouse as well. Again, don’t let them. Even if it’s a quick trip down to the nearest fast food restaurant, be sure to prioritize date night. Consider setting up a romantic evening at home including a nice, home-cooked meal with candles and flowers on the table. If you have children, don’t be afraid to include them in this. It will help them create a healthy view on what it means to maintain marriage.

6. Allow Yourself To Be Influenced

The Gottman Institute, a research-based approach to strengthening relationships has found the following:

“A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial – because research shows that women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men. A true partnership only occurs when a husband can do the same thing.”

Therefore, husbands, allow your wife, at times, to sway your decisions. If she says she needs your help at home preparing for guests to come over, tell your friends you can’t meet for a beer, and stay home to help.

7. Maintain Your Standards

When we’re single, we all have standards concerning the type of man / woman we’d like to spend the rest of our lives with. Sure, often times, these are unrealistic and, as such, fall away when we meet the person we want to marry. Yet, it is important to maintain some standards, particularly those relating to the way in which you communicate with each other. Maintaining minimal tolerance for behavior resulting in hurtful comments and disrespect throughout your relationship will result in a long and happy marriage.

8. Clear The Air

Instead of bottling everything up until you explode at a completely unaware partner, be sure to consistently ‘clear the air’, so to speak. Susan Campbell, author of Five-Minute Relationship Repair, suggests the following: “once a week or so, ask your partner, ‘Is there anything I’ve done lately that’s caused distance between us?” Then, by making use of the communication tips mentioned above, talk it out and you’ll find yourself feeling a lot better and more connected to each other.

9. Go To Bed Together

This may sound odd, especially with the reality of busy schedules, but, where possible, be sure to go to bed together with your spouse. This doesn’t necessarily have to include sex, but according to Grace Stevens, author of One New Habit to Fix Your Marriage, “it’s an easy way to align your schedules, catch up, and feel more connected”.

Furthermore, consider laying down a rule that your bedroom is a cellphone free zone. This will eliminate the temptation to look at social media instead of spending time, being full present, with your spouse.

10. Take Initiative

This tip can span across the entire spectrum of a relationship, but in this instance, we are referring to sex. So, be sure to take initiative when it comes to sex. Whether this be setting up a romantic bath with candles, or slipping on some sexy lingerie, don’t always wait for your partner to initiate sex. Men, especially, want to know that their wives are physically attracted to them so will be especially pleased if the wife goes out of her way to ‘get the party started’.

So, there you have it. Ten tips to help you have a long and healthy marriage. If, after trying all of the above, you are still left feeling discouraged, be sure to seek help earlier rather than later. Contact Mary now to book a session!

How To Improve Your Communication Skills

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Written by Samantha Carvalho

Anyone who has ever been in a meaningful relationship can account for the importance of communication, both verbal and nonverbal. Yet, so many couples fail to communicate effectively. This may be due to the fact that not a lot of people understand what communication is.

According to Psych Alive, “communication involves the collaboration of two people as they share and examine all of their perceptions, feelings, ideas and thoughts to come to an accurate understanding of what is happening”. And, nonverbal communication “refers to how one’s body language contributes to the process of communicating feelings and reactions”.

Good communication means ensuring your actions and words match! See below tips on how to improve your communication skills.

15 Tips To Improve Communication Skills

1. Find the right time

If you need to chat to your partner about something that’s upset you, make sure you do so at a time when you are both calm, and not distracted, stressed, or in a rush. If the conversation becomes heated, develop a “hot word” designed to initiate a ‘pause’ in the conversation, for example: “break”.

2. Talk face-to-face 

Although messaging over devices is a popular form of communication these days, it is still not the best way to resolve a conflict. Text messages, emails, and / or letters can be misinterpreted. If, however, you feel you might forget what you wanted to say when you’re face-to-face, write your points down and read them out loud to your partner.

3. Don’t attack 

When confronting your partner, it is better to use ‘I’ / ‘we’ instead of ‘you’. For example, say “I feel like we haven’t been as close lately” instead of “You have been distant with me”. The key is to focus on yourself and avoid blaming, accusing, and / or criticizing your partner.

4. Be honest 

If you discover that you were, in fact, in the wrong, admit it and apologize when necessary. Also, face up to the fact that truth hurts, but that honesty is still the best policy. Don’t be afraid to reveal feelings that may seem embarrassing or humiliating. Doing so will only provide your partner with more clarity on the situation and they’ll feel closer to you as well. For help with this, fill in the blank: “I feel _”.

5. Check body language 

When communicating with your partner, your nonverbal communication is as important as your verbal communication. Make sure you sit up, face them, and make eye contact. Also, don’t take a phone call, text, or play a video game during your conversation.

6. 48 hour rule 

You may or may not have heard of the ’48 hour rule’, but it does wonders in avoiding unnecessary fights. The rule states that if you’re still hurt 48 hours later, say something. If not, it’s best to simply let it go. If, however, you need to speak up than be sure to let it go once your partner apologizes. Don’t bring up past hurts / issues as this will only worsen the situation.

7. Unilaterally disarm 

In other words, give up the need to be right. Don’t enter into a conversation with your partner with the mindset that you need to ‘win’. Rather, focus on resolving the situation as opposed to trying to compete with your partner.

8. Reveal personal wants 

This ties in somewhat with the point mentioned earlier about revealing ‘embarrassing’ feelings. Understand that the more in touch you are with yourself, the more in touch you will be with your partner. Furthermore, the more clarity they have on your personal wants / needs, the more capable they will be of fulfilling them.

9. Talk with decency / respect

Remember that this is a person you love. As such, don’t speak to them in a way you would your colleague. Don’t complain, demand, boss, or be irritable, sarcastic, childish, parental, or condescending. Also, watch your tone.

10. LISTEN 

Be advised that just because we hear something doesn’t mean we are listening. To listen is a skill that needs to be learned / developed. Listening is not about you. Make sure you hear your partner out, without interrupting! Indicate that you are listening, and have compassion. Make use of the ‘acknowledge first, explain later’ rule when listening to your partner’s grievance.

11. Make small talk 

Although this concept is often dismissed, John Gottman and Janice Driver studied this idea with a group of married couples and found that “the mundane and often fleeting moments” that form part of a couple’s day-to-day life have a greater effect on the health of the relationship than do supposedly emotionally, meaningful, and serious discussions. As such, be to sure to share small insignificant experiences that you have in common with your partner.

12. Ask questions 

Ask your partner questions and don’t assume you know the answers. Also, don’t give advice unless you are requested to do so. Rather, go back to point 10.

13. Empathize 

Once again, put yourself aside and see things from your partner’s point of view. Try to understand where they are coming from and how they are feeling and it may change your emotions / perspective.

14. Pay attention to nonverbal signals

As mentioned, communication is not only verbal. Be sure to focus on your partner’s nonverbal communication, i.e.: folded arms, lack of eye contact, louder tone, and / or turning away could be signals of unhappiness.

15. Stay focused on here and now 

When conversing with your partner – particularly in an argument – don’t bring up past discussions. Try to stay focused on the topic that caused the upset. If, however, other topics do come to the surface, try to de-escalate the argument by walking away or using your “hot word”.

Negative Forms Of Communication

Below are a few negative forms of communication to avoid which will only further improve your communication skills and result in good communication between you and your partner.

Intimidation: The definition of intimidation is to “frighten into submission”. In adult relationships, this can often be seen in subtle covert behaviors that result in guilt, i.e.: when one partner responds with misery, self-hate, and / or self-destruction. To intimidate “implies reduction to a state where the spirit is broken or all courage is lost.”

Childish communication: This involves deferring or submitting, looking for direction or definition, being servile or subservient, and seeking approval or criticism.

Parental communication: This involves directing or dominating, or being condescending, assertive, judgmental, or critical.

Is There a Role For Non Traditional Therapies in Treating Depression?

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personaloneAs a caregiver and someone who is watching a loved one struggle with a mood disorder, finding your way around the world of “cures” and healing techniques can be confusing. Most people start with a trip to a therapist who can screen you and then recommend where to go for help. Typically, the standard treatment is talk therapy in conjunction with medication. Psychiatric medications can be prescribed by Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners, Psychiatrists and increasingly by  your Primary Care Physician.

Although seeking treatment from a PCP is convenient and can be easier to schedule than finding a specialist, sometimes finding a skilled psychiatric prescriber will benefit you in the long run. These professionals are specialists in the treatment of depression, anxiety, bipolar and other mental health disorders.  Having a medication specialist for depression will likely improve your chances of finding the best treatment options for your family member.

What Are Some of the Non Traditional ( or Alternative) Treatments for Depression?

There are probably many more treatments but here are some of the top “alternative” or adjunct treatments to medication and/or talk therapy.

  1.  rTMS, or Repeated Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation -a form of brain stimulation therapy which uses magnetic impulses instead of electricity to stimulate parts of the brain. It was develped in the early 1980’s as a possible treatment for depression. According to PsychiatricTimes, there are many people do not respond to pharmacological interventions, which is estimated to be 20-40% of 121 million people globally who suffer from depression.
  2. The use of light boxes for people with seasonal affective disorder (SAS). This seemingly benign treatment needs close analysis and awareness of the possible safety issues.  It is always prudent to include your your doctor of pharmacist in the discussion about medications and/or medical conditions which might be made worse if light box therapy is introduced. Check out CET.org for the latest safety information on this treatment.
  3. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy –
  4. Massage treatments – According to the American Massage Therapy Association, therapy has long been a treatment for myriad medical and mental health wellness approaches.
  5. Hypnosis – The focus seems to be on the ability of hypnosis to enhance treatment of depression when coupled with other therapies, e.g., Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for example. It is considered another effective tool in the treatment of depression by many therapists.
  6. Sleep Deprivation Therapy – this therapy reportedly has quite a high success rate but the down side is that the mood boost usually only lasts until the patient falls asleep. Scientific America has an in depth article on “Why Sleep Depravation Eases Depression”.
  7. Chinese herbal medicine – Some practitioners, Joel Harvey Schrek of PositiveHealthOnline, among them, contend that unlike western medicine approaches, Chinese Herbal Medicine has the potential to cure mental illness.
  8. Psychosurgery – this type of treatment has been around for a long while and is typically a collaboration between psychiatry and neurosurgery. It is widely reported that about 1/3 of patients show significant improvement in their symptoms after surgery. Over time the side effects have diminished and makes it a viable choice for intractable depression.

What Role Do Alternative Therapies Play in Treating Depression?

For a majority of people, alternative therapies are used in conjunction with medication and/ or talk therapy. In addition, research does indicate that patients have longer lasting results when using these therapy approaches together. However, the path to feeling better does not always end with a prescription and a good therapist. People are increasingly adding or replacing the “go to” approaches (Medication & Therapy) with the some of the alternative treatments above.

If your loved one is struggling with depression and wants to try the “alternative therapies” what is one to say? Well, according to Andrew Solomon, Author of “The Noon Day Demon – An Atlas of Depression” , there are many people who report being helped or healed by alternative therapies. The idea of deviating from the tried and true treatments of depression can sometimes be worrisome but Mr. Solomon  responds to the dilemma  this way:

“Depression is a disease of thought processes and emotions, and if something changes your thought processes and emotions in the correct direction, that qualifies as a recovery. Frankly, I think that the best treatment for depression is belief, which is in itself far more essential than what you believe in.”  p137

Simply put, there are so many variables playing into the healing of mental dis ease – your specific situation, your openness, genetics, the sociological and physiological factors all play a role in the “healing” factor. So when it comes to supporting a loved one struggling with mental dis-ease, supporting their quest for alternative techniques and treatments is like keeping that space open for healing opportunites, whatever form they may come in.

4 Ideas for Supporting a Family Member with Depression And The Use of Alternative Treatments:

  1. Become educated about the alternative treatments available and whether adding one of them can help existing treatment of the depression.  Keep an open mind and approach these therapies with a curiosity rather than skepticism.
  2. Seek out the best possible practitioner of the treatment. Talk with professionals for possible referrals.
  3. Support the person in their quest to feel better- even if your psychiatrist is against the idea, support your family member and understand the pros and cons of alternative treatments.
  4. Encourage your family member to join a support group which focuses on their particular illness for bipolar or depression and anxiety.

As Solomon points out, in the end, emotional pain and the alleviation of it, is not a new phenomenon. For most of the people suffering with depression, the combination of  medication with psychotherapy is an excellent place to begin. Just be prepared, if your family member’s depression does not subside or it is a long term chronic depression, the quest to be well might involve healing of a different sort—  utilizing some of the alternative therapies mentioned above may be warranted.